How to wear a scarf without looking like a dode

If you’re like me, you have an extensive collection of scarves. Whether you were one of those people who thought buying Pashminas in bulk at the leather market during your year abroad was a good investment, or a cheapo who would rather just buy a cashmere scarf than pay for a sweater, I would like to believe it’s an accessory every woman possesses.

But a possession that every woman knows how to wear? Debatable. More than often I see women with long ass scarves draped ugily around their necks (yes, i just made that word up) or nubby, thick knits bundled up to their double chin. It’s just not ok. Since I was a few days late on creating Megs Shoes before Tom beat me to it, I have decided to start my charity by making America dress more attractively. So, being the charitable person that I am, I have put together a few good scarf looks that are easy and wearable.

Center on neck then knot loosely as many times as the length allows. Wear to the front or hanging to the side.

Fold scarf in half, center middle of scarf on neck, place one side through loop close to the neck, then twist the loop and place the other side through the remaining loop.

Wrap around once, then wrap again and loop front to back.

Knot ends and wa-lah! Do this with a longer scarf..

GOOD MORNING IDIOTS!

It’s not often I wake up before lunchtime, but this morning with a breakfast engagement planned then delayed, I was up and at ’em by a shocking 7:45. In hopes that Live with Regis & Kelly would miraculously be on an hour early, I turned on ABC. To my dismay, I was subjected to something definitely worthy of a great crack of dawn spot, Good Morning America. However, what seems like a huge lack of crowd control made the experience absolutely frightening.

Besides a little soothing Country music by Brad Paisley–Live from the boondocks, USA, the millions of screaming fans were enough to scare a bear back into hibernation. Cowboy hat or not, there was no relaxation involved for me. It was a more of a living nightmare in which I couldn’t fall back asleep.

The only question resonating in my mind post-GMA is this: Does the crowd mind? Famous people have stalkers and alleged baby mamas! Having someone BANG on the window behind them is the reason why there is a constant shortage of generic Xanax in our country (we’ve all seen how doctors allow a little more leniency with celebs than normal patients..) To throw a cherry on top of the anxiety sundae, I can’t imagine how smudged those windows are.

NEWS FLASH NY Tourists: we can’t read your sign, we are unrecognizable, and [thankfully] we can’t see your horrific outfits.

So hear this, America. When they say “good morning,” they don’t actually mean “come to Times Square and bang on the window to screw with every viewers’ peripheral vision.”  No one at home is going see you; you’re a blurry little ant. Save yourself some trouble, go do something else touristy like take a million pictures of the city with no one in them, and let the rest of America watch their morning shows in peace.

Stacks on Deck

Sooo… Maybe I don’t have stacks on deck like T.I… But occasionally I do have Patron on ice, and as of recently, I have settled with stacks on my wrists instead of rubber band banks in my pocket.

Maybe it’s reflective of my tendency to hoard clothes from years ago in my closet, but regardless, clutter on one’s wrist has become a style I have truly fallen in love with. Here’s why:

1. It easily adds value to an outfit without having to layer on bling (which, quite frankly, I can’t afford and refuse to settle for cubic zirconia)
2. Through careful retail therapy, I have started to increase the amount of sophisticated (although somewhat uncomfortable) clothing as opposed to basic tees that might require layers of jewels to look pretty. Layers=money, and these days, money is scarce.
3. Switch it, change it, rearrange it.. It’s always nice to look like you have a new piece on your wrist… and Let’s face it: bracelets are [typically] cheaper than necklaces.
4. Shall we now state the obvious? HELLOOO! It’s so great if you can throw on 5+ pieces of random wrist candy and make it look chic

My Mannie Maria: Wrist Master.. Every day she’s got stacks on stacks that are never less than fabulous. See her styling for PB here

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My fav wrist wrapping from the past few weeks… I try to start with a Chan Luu beaded wrap, a cuff, then whatever my heart desires!

Don’t forget to hit up DRINK THE PB KOOLAID for the daily styles of me and my amazing co workers 🙂

how to get a black card

If you know me, you know that my latest life goal is to obtain an American Express Centurion card. No, I don’t make anywhere close to the amount I would need to spend on credit to be invited into the program, and Mark doesn’t want to invest in my venture (I tried). But believe me, where there’s a will, there’s a way. And if I had the funds, I would use that card like a sugar daddy. Mark my words: I will get my hands on one of these titanium beauties before anyone can contemplate what the little black sliver is in my Louis.

Here are the deets: You need a “stellar credit score,” (stellar was too fab a word not to quote the author of this article,) a history with American Express, and you need to spend approximately $21,000 a month to spend a minimum of $250k per year. Totally doable, right? As I sit here on my day off, thinking up just what I would spend my [minimum of] $21,000 on, I don’t foresee this as being a challenge. Paying it off may be a little bit trickier, but I am an experienced professional at swiping. Everyone needs exercise; even credit cards.

In fact, I’ve already started some planning..

• Move in to the Roosevelt
• Purchase an elephant
• Upgrade my shoe collection (a lot)
• Hire a live-in manicurist
• Be ULTRA fabulous in every way possible… But who am I trying to kid, I do a pretty good job already 🙂

practice makes perfect!                                                 vvvvvvv

the Oh Sh*t Kit

Millions of people work in the Emergency Industry to fix our problems: we have 911 for real life emergencies, OnStar for bad driver emergencies, Parents for money emergencies, and Credit Cards for shopping emergencies.

We have all experienced some sort of emergency at one time or another. Maybe a friend broke her arm when she tripped in her 5 inch heels, your dog ate a packet of silica out of a shoe box, or maybe you broke your toe during a hardcore shopping excursion at Bloomingdales (been there, done that). These situations are usually extremely inconvenient. Emergencies hurt, they tend to cost unnecessary funds, and they are time consuming.

To complement the idea of the “fashion emergency,” one occasionally finds him or herself in a time crunch fashion emergency; say, an impromptu date with the girlfriends or perhaps losing track of time and needing to go straight to your boyfriend’s house for dinner with the parents. You have to get ready STAT, and have no time to go home to raid your closet for the perfect outfit and make yourself presentable.

No, there is not hotline for these emergencies… And please, don’t call me until I figure out how to start charging for my advice. But, for your convenience, I have created a Keep-in-Your-Car-for-Emergencies “Oh Shit Kit” to help you solve your problems on the go.

from top left clockwise: Hair Tie for those unruly locks, Glee Gum so you have delish breath (and no aspartame so it won’t turn into phenylalanine when your trunk gets hot,) Organic energy shots for a needed pick-me-up, a Mini-Mergency kit (buy at Kitson; that way you don’t have to put it all together yourself,) nude Hanky Panky’s, a cute scarf for potentially chilly evenings, Lorac Tantalizer for your pasty legs when you didn’t have time to spray tan (buy at Sephora,) a 50 spot so you can be lady like and try to pay for half the bill, Perfume Testers so you don’t smell gross, and a Micro-Modal Skirt/Dress (like this Riller & Fount) that won’t get wrinkly and is super versatile when you’re in a time of need.

Seriously, throw these items in an old dust bag and keep it in your trunk.. If you make sure you don’t get lazy and decide to take odds and ends out when you really aren’t in an emergency, you’ll be set for all your vital out-of-time-mergencies. No more stressing, people. It’s all about being calm and collected when secretly in your head you’re screaming “OH SH*T!!!!!”

YELLOW

“When life gives you lemons, squeeze them into your vodka.” – Chelsea Handler

I have always loved the color yellow. It’s the color of my hair when drawn with markers, that of my french fries silly band that has been on my wrist since they were cool, and last but not least, it is a less shiny relative of gold. But I feel like it’s an under-appreciated color; it has become THE genderless color (I don’t know who justified that one) and belittled by thousands of crayon hue denominations. And by denominations I’m referring to Macaroni and Cheese (yum, but not in my coloring book,) Dandelion (shmandelion), Goldenrod (AKA the suburb of SLO,) Unmellow Yellow (way to make an oxymoron, Crayola) and Yellow-Green (the color of vommed up fruit salad). Are these classifications really necessary?

I guess society has pushed Yellow to the back of my brain for years, because until Gretchen wore a Neon Yellow dress on the last episode of Real Housewives of OC this season, I had forgotten about it completely. Thank you, Gretchen, for reviving yellow! It is now my favorite color (second to pink, duh) and it should be yours too.

That said, yellow is clearly the most un-boring color in the rainbow. It is vibrant. It is the color of a Lemonade with Sweet Tea Vodka. It makes the Lakers a team. And now, it is the color of just about any item you can imagine…

M2f shorts, Tkees, Herve Leger, Paul Smith Sunglasses, Tory Burch Sandals, Balenciaga, and Kosy Slippers. Love it mean it.

Dub-T

Get it?

There is a fine line between being actual White Trash and White Trash Fabulous. But if Katy P, K Stew, and Scarlett Johansson can make White Trash chic, I guess so can anyone.

Let’s decipher the distinction between White Trash Fab and White Trash, though. Obviously, some people actually are white trash. No offense to their lifestyle, but these are people that just ain’t classy. Regardless of the amount of money one has (or spends on self betterment,) there are individuals who thrive on the idea that the shorter and tighter, the better. First off, America is the fattest nation in the world; Shorter and Tighter is not the best philosophy for our country. Second, we are in a recession. If you’re trying to get a job (other than at a strip club,) this es no bueno. Finally, if money is an issue, there are plenty of reasonable places to shop that doesn’t induce the bulging and squeezing wardrobe.

On the other hand, anyone can do White Trash right. Where trendsetters everywhere have been copying the Indians for quite some time, they have also begun copying low class bimbos in today’s fashion designs. Where this is unoriginal, it is also kind of cool! It’s like playing dress up without the party, and actually looking cute! I’m talking cut off jean shorts, crop tops, and skimpy over sized tanks, topped off with sky high heels*. If you’ve got fray and I can see your bra, you’re guilty (in a good way). It’s the new thing to look like you raided Goodwill.

Where I don’t feel comfortable fully embracing the Dub-T lifestyle, I am nonetheless accepting of the “fad” perhaps by wearing a Wildfox tank (maybe with a hot pink bralette slightly visible,) Cutoffs that don’t show off my woohoo, and an expensive bag.  Come on. We are “American Woman.” Let’s give our soldiers something to be proud of that doesn’t have to do with binge-ing on potato chips and shopping in the Kid’s department. We do have the freedom to show some skin, so do, but please, do it responsibly (or should I say reasonably)….

* Big girls need not experiment with this.

photo cred: Mark Seliger/Rolling Stones Magazine, Sheryl Nields/Esquire, Flaunt Magazine

The Etiquette of Borrowing

One thing you should know about me besides my love of clothing is my unlove of those who disrespect it. My wardrobe is, quite frankly, amazing, yet in the past I have carelessly allowed some pieces to be offended, shot through the heart, and forfeited to the likes of the disrespectful. My train stops here.

So, to break down this situation in layman’s terms: I have dressed a betch or two[hundred] from my wardrobe. And more often than not, I have dressed those betches better than they can dress themselves from any wardrobe. Could it be my pristine sense of fashion? Possibly, but in all honesty, I have come to believe I was born with the intution of what would look good on someone, and what would suck. And when you have a decent sized canvas to work with (aka my closet) It works out to everyone’s benefit, so I’m not all that sorry for being bold.

Let’s get down to business….

If you’re fun, you know what happens when a night turns into a good night. Shit happens: Drinks spill. Chopsticks are unreliable. It gets hot in da club. We get tired and fall asleep with our clothes on. Let’s face it… partying is hard work. Occasionally an article of clothing after a night of partying could look like an artifact from World War II.. And although it isn’t pretty, it’s inevitable. I would like to think that it would be common sense to return such an item to its rightful owner looking fab like it probably was (obviously, because she bought it) and within a proper time period, NOT, on the other hand, crumpled up in a Vons bag like a pair of old pajamas. I mean, come on… At least have the decency to shop at Whole Foods.

Therefore, I have decided to come up with some rules of the road that every girl should put in her little black book. Learn it and live it. Just because it’s hanging in your closet doesn’t mean your daddy paid for it. Give it up.

Good Boys.

Since it is obvious based on my latest posts that I have spent ample time obsessing over clothes at my new job, I would like to confess that I have fallen in love with a few male mannequins in the process. I mean, they don’t talk, they have six packs, don’t get a sunburn from standing in the window all day, and best of all, they are dressed by me. Can a man get any better?

Kidding, boyfriends everywhere. Clearly we like when you talk to us (if you are intelligent) and a tan is attractive unless it is preceded by “Farmers.” Nonetheless, I do love to dress my men.. And I dress them well, if I may say so myself.

While perusing my favorite stores, I tend to pick up on styles that I like and don’t like among the Mannies. I’m pretty judgmental, but at least they don’t have feelings to hurt..

1. John Varvatos, 2. Theory, 3. Howe, 4. LNA, 5. Obey, 6. Splendid Mills, 7. Alternative, 8. Kinetix

Looking at my selection, I would call my man-style modern classic & comfy. I’m currently LOVING the long sleeve Henley, even for summer, with the sleeves rolled up and a few unned-buttons. The flannel is a giant obvi, just talk to the King (but literally) of flannels Mr. Ghattas if you have any questions. I am boycotting crew neck tees until you ignorant men get off your high horse and TRY ONE ON. I wouldn’t lie to you; they’re hot. In addition, a little color is always good, and stripes are fab (especially if you’ve been working on your beach body). And, boys, when it gets a little chilly getting your drink on later in the night, please be prepared. You shouldn’t admit to being cold because, lets face it, you are hairier than us and we are most likely wearing significantly less clothing than you. Don’t demasculinize yourself (yes, I just used that word). Fine options: Ever hoodie over a tee (but God help me, do NOT tie it around your waist as a storage-place) or a jacket with something long sleeve. If you need a jacket with your flannel, you’re an idiot and need to eat a cheeseburger… Or five. With bacon on each.

9. Converse, 10. Seven for All Mankind, 11. Havaianas, 12. Seven for All Mankind, 13. Theory, 14. Ever, 15. Native, 16. Ever

Men’s pants and shorts are a bit trickier, but from playing dress-up with my men I’ve come to a few conclusions: I hate cargoes, I don’t like ripped denim on guys, and shorts must be the perfect length. Therefore, the pants I would wear as a man would be slim to straight leg (bootcut is dumb unless you’re 40). As far as shorts go, I’m PRAYING everyone knows that Jorts (jean shorts) are for overly confident individuals.. Not cocky, so if you’re reading this, probably not you. As far as the length goes, my mannequins are only allowed to wear shorts that do not go lower than the knee cap and do not hit higher than 4 inches above the knee. Any shorter requires a spray tan (I mean, at least I would hope so,) and any longer you should probably throw some zippers on the hem and move to Europe.

For shoes, see past post. But to update, good summer shoes obviously depend on occasion. I don’t mind beach boys in Havaianas (*not dinner, bar, or work boys,) and if you are participating in a fun summer extra-curricular that may or may not get your feet dirty, I like the Native slip-ons. They look like Converse, feel like Crocs, and have lots of holes for your feet to breatheeee 🙂

So there you have it. I’m a crazy woman who enjoys dressing pale frozen men… And am kind of good at it. Sorry I’m not sorry.

*Don’t worry, I don’t talk to the mannequins… I’m not that big of a freak.

The Maxi

Thanks to some wonderful German genes, I have inherited the strong, tall bones of a Parrish. In preparation of inheriting the beer belly of my Grandpa Gene, I am pleased enjoy the 8 mile long legs that Alice passed on. Granted, in elementary school when I was too skinny and tall for my own good, I lived through the wrath of bell bottoms high-waters from Gap. But since growing into my body, my pants are no longer too short (and I do not buy my jeans at the Gap; thanks Mark’s bank account).

Fortunately for me (as well as fashionable pregnant women) the Maxi has started to flood the racks of my go-to shopping liaisons, and I am fully embracing of the style. No, not the maxi pad; obviously they would not be of use to pregnant women and would not grace the hangers in Bloomingdales. And despite the rude correlation with the classification “maxi” my brother cleverly placed in my mind (he named his iPad Max so it would be a MaxiPad… karma for why he’s stuck with the first generation), I will continue to get my money’s worth out of the amount of fabric used to make my clothing. The Maxi is happening, people.

So, let’s talk about some options.. The prints are obviously in; it’s hot out, we’re going to day BBQs, and we want to look good living life. But just in, ladies: If you’re going to rock the tiny floral dress you bought last summer, think again. My four year old cousin wears those (well, I might add), and nothings classy about a grown up dressing like a toddler. Don’t risk the wind showing off your booty to your boyfriend’s entire extended family and opt for a long dress with a pretty print. No one wants a visual of your skimpy underpants.

Cynthia Vincent @ Shopbop, Rebecca Taylor @ Bloomingdales, Blue Life @ Planet Blue, Cynthia Vincent @ Planet Blue

You say your short and can’t “pull off” a maxi dress? I don’t buy it. My best friend Ellie is 5’1″ and can rock a maxi better than a Herve Leger. Wear some wedges (height is generally an OK thing to fake,) or get it shortened.. Need I remind you my opinion of cheap-asses?

Another pet peeve of mine, and yes, I was guilty once upon a time: denim skirts circa 1985 from Abercrombie and Fitch. Let’s be real, none of us went to Woodstock. Original Levi’s or not, a tattered denim mini skirt that basically shows your butt cheeks is not a good thing. Get with the times and do something that’s a little more appealing.. I’m not saying you need to try and pull off a floor length denim skirt (although I have my eye on one and will be buying it the second I auto-deposit my paycheck on my iPhone) but denim, linen, or jersey, maxi skirts are flipping adorable. And we all know hippies are my least favorite type of people, so I would not give you this advice if it could lead you to look like one.

Blue Moon @ Planet Blue, Genetic @ Shopbop, Ella Moss @ Planet Blue, Torn @ Planet Blue

Now, a word about what to wear with these longer options. Think loose = better. We’re not trying to advertise for Hustler, here, so if you want to wear a tee, make sure it’s flowy (I’m obsessed with Blue Life, inevitably). NO fitted tees and NO skin tight tank tops. Do it right, and you will be complimented.

*My new favorite thing to say is underpants… Don’t judge.